Delightful Silence

An old friend came to visit me this weekend, which was pretty awesome. It’s been great to get to catch up on about five years’ worth of stories and revelations. I also spent the last week collaborating with some good people at work, which was also a plus. I got good feedback from my new boss and I feel optimistic about my work. I have a busy June planned, but it will be a good one. I have baseball games with friends and other fun things coming up soon, including a play opening that was written by a friend from high school. I was able to go out with friends last week to see Wonder Woman. The movie and company were both good. I was able to mix friend groups–an old friend from grad school with my more recent friends from work and there was no George Costanza crisis of identity. All went well. It was satisfying on a deeper level to know that my efforts to become a less fragmented person may be paying off. My old friends and new ones seem to be seeing the same person and they think that person is still fun despite my hermetic tendencies.

The common theme this last week was working or relaxing with friends in a kind of comforting silence. At work, I had to do some menial labeling of samples and got help from a friend. It was a quiet hour or so working on it and it was kind of delightful. There were a few jokes here and there but it was mostly a good kind of quiet. I also got to spend some down time with my visiting friend at home, where there were also some lovely silences. I did enjoy our chats, too, but I realize now more than ever that some of my favorite moments with people I’m close to are those that are the non-speaking moments that fill the gaps between conversations. The looks and smiles. Those times when you don’t even have to say anything. You just know what they mean. Comforting.

This month I will get to visit with family more and see my new nephew. I can’t wait.

“I want you
To know me
To need me
Smile when I call your name

I want you
To never
Look at
Anyone else this way

So strange
This something
We have between us
And it’s not fair
If you’ve never
Loved this way”

“I am not the only traveler
Who has not repaid his debt
I’ve been searching for a trail to follow again
Take me back to the night we met

And then I can tell myself
What the hell I’m supposed to do
And then I can tell myself
Not to ride along with you
I had all and then most of you
Some and now none of you
Take me back to the night we met
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do
Haunted by the ghost of you
Oh, take me back to the night we met”
But I miss you
But there’s comin’ home
There’s no comin’ home
With a name like mine
I still think of you
But everyone knows
Yeah everyone knows
If you care, let it go
I’ve seen more places than I can name
And over time they all start to look the same
But it ain’t that truth we chase
No, it’s the promise of a better place

The Background

Last week was a strange one. I had an embarrassing interaction with a coworker/friend wherein I invited them to a movie and they brought a date. Another coworker was fired and basically disappeared from our office. I was able to go to movies with friends that made it more enjoyable. And I was able to go to our work’s baseball game to see The Dash. It was a nice day to be able to be outside. I was able to see both King Arthur and Alien Covenant in one week. Both were not what I expected but were entertaining.

That has become a running theme for my life these days–never what I expect or assume but entertaining. I continue to have less than good luck with the opposite sex but I think it gets easier to recover each time it happens. The turn-around time gets shorter, even though it always starts off feeling like I’ve been sucker punched. I suppose that as long as I am interested in human beings, I should expect them to be fickle and idiosyncratic. Not everyone is as comfortable with themselves as I am and I have to keep reminding myself of that. “I yam who I yam” and all. Open to new people, but definitely not holding my breath.

I also struggle with cynicism. Well, depending on the day, I thoroughly enjoy my cynicism. I want to like and trust people, but there’s always something. Always some missed communication, some reason not to trust, some reason to hold myself back. I have had to learn when to conserve my energy when it comes to my investing in people. Not a bad thing, per se, just not how I ideally would like to function. But realistically, that’s how it goes.

Ana, one of my best friends from grad school, is coming to visit next weekend, which I am super excited about. She’s one of the people that has seen me at my worst (grad school is like that) and still manages to keep in touch. We have about four years of life to catch up on over wine. I have missed her and her perspective, so I know it will be a good time. I have been generally nostalgic this weekend during my cleaning frenzy, especially with my musical selections.

I rarely like to look back, but sometimes it does help us remember how far we’ve come.

“And I would never lie to you no
I would never lie to you no
I felt you long after we were through, we were through
The plans I make still have you in them
Cause you come swimming into view
And I’m hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel for you
I only know because I carry you around
In the background”

“I’ve never felt alone
‘Till I met you
I’m all right on my own
And then I met you
And I’d know what to do if I just knew what’s coming
I would change myself if I could
I’d walk with my people if I could find them
And I’d say that I’m sorry to you
I’m sorry to you
And I don’t want to call you
But then I want to call you ’cause I don’t want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you”