The Background

Last week was a strange one. I had an embarrassing interaction with a coworker/friend wherein I invited them to a movie and they brought a date. Another coworker was fired and basically disappeared from our office. I was able to go to movies with friends that made it more enjoyable. And I was able to go to our work’s baseball game to see The Dash. It was a nice day to be able to be outside. I was able to see both King Arthur and Alien Covenant in one week. Both were not what I expected but were entertaining.

That has become a running theme for my life these days–never what I expect or assume but entertaining. I continue to have less than good luck with the opposite sex but I think it gets easier to recover each time it happens. The turn-around time gets shorter, even though it always starts off feeling like I’ve been sucker punched. I suppose that as long as I am interested in human beings, I should expect them to be fickle and idiosyncratic. Not everyone is as comfortable with themselves as I am and I have to keep reminding myself of that. “I yam who I yam” and all. Open to new people, but definitely not holding my breath.

I also struggle with cynicism. Well, depending on the day, I thoroughly enjoy my cynicism. I want to like and trust people, but there’s always something. Always some missed communication, some reason not to trust, some reason to hold myself back. I have had to learn when to conserve my energy when it comes to my investing in people. Not a bad thing, per se, just not how I ideally would like to function. But realistically, that’s how it goes.

Ana, one of my best friends from grad school, is coming to visit next weekend, which I am super excited about. She’s one of the people that has seen me at my worst (grad school is like that) and still manages to keep in touch. We have about four years of life to catch up on over wine. I have missed her and her perspective, so I know it will be a good time. I have been generally nostalgic this weekend during my cleaning frenzy, especially with my musical selections.

I rarely like to look back, but sometimes it does help us remember how far we’ve come.

“And I would never lie to you no
I would never lie to you no
I felt you long after we were through, we were through
The plans I make still have you in them
Cause you come swimming into view
And I’m hanging on your words
Like I always used to do
The words they use so lightly
I only feel for you
I only know because I carry you around
In the background”

“I’ve never felt alone
‘Till I met you
I’m all right on my own
And then I met you
And I’d know what to do if I just knew what’s coming
I would change myself if I could
I’d walk with my people if I could find them
And I’d say that I’m sorry to you
I’m sorry to you
And I don’t want to call you
But then I want to call you ’cause I don’t want to crush you
But I feel like crushing you”