I have taken the last few weeks to really focus on healing. I have been focused on work pretty intensely since last November/December, so I am taking some time off soon to travel and also some time to decompress at home. I have changed my eating habits back to some healthier options which makes me feel better overall. I forgot how much better I feel when I really cut out the sugar (refined sugar, I still eat fruit). Went to the doctor two months ago and then went back again this week and got good news. My cholesterol numbers are all great and my BP/pulse are “like a marathon runner” which is always a bit amusing to me, especially since I could barely make it through my 5K. My doctors basically told me that I am my own worst enemy (the neurologist: “You can’t turn it off, can you? It’s a wonder you sleep at all.”). I knew this already, so I am now in the process of trying new tools to help slow myself down and manage my thoughts better. This includes doctor recommended CBT, yoga/tai chi and meditation. It is good to know that the rest of me is functioning well aside from occasional abdominal pain or tension headaches.
One of my more whimsical friends says that in our 28th year Saturn returns to the point it occupied at the time of our birth and is often associated with a “first life crisis.” Saturn brings tough lessons to be learned and challenging times, opportunities for us to work through our own blocks or bad habits. Scary as it may sound, I kind of like the notion of a reflective year. A time to think deeply about past events and make positive changes to improve ourselves for our own sake. Reassess our goals, careers and relationships. Sounds easy, right? I’ve been doing some of this along the way, but I think that it may be a good thing to take time “off” to really figure out what I want to give, what I want to contribute to relationships and to my own small piece of the world. Not going to become a monk or anything, but definitely taking some time to think about what I want in the next few years. Will it be a different role at work? Or maybe a different degree on the side? Doing something more long term for my favorite charities? I think there are several great options. I just need to contemplate and then commit.
I’m grateful to have a good job, but I also feel like it is such a narrow use of my strengths. Because of this, I’ve looked for other opportunities on the side, helping at the children’s center and volunteering at the hospice center nearby. I think somewhere along my career path I lost my teaching/mentoring/helping/”good karma” outlets.
Commitment to much of anything other than work has been an issue for me the last few months, but I think this will get better with time and self-care. My hope cactus is always blooming, so it seems, in a most persistent (and impressive) way. I suppose that it is a part of me, so I should embrace it along with my flabby arms and piggy nose. I realize that this blog has been a mixture of contemplation and sadness the last few months, though it has been helpful to have another outlet. I am moving in the right direction, just slowly. And I am learning more about myself.
I really like Amy Winehouse’s version of “A Song for You” (Leon Russell will always be my favorite, though)…
“I love you in a place
Where there’s no space or time
I love you for in my life
You are a friend of mine
And when my life is over
Remember when we were together
We were alone and
I was singing this song to you”
“Calling your name in the midnight hour
Reaching for you from the endless dream
So many miles between us now
But you are always here with me
In your hands
In your hearts
It’s whole universe
You are always here with me”
“Excuse me for a while
While I’m wide-eyed
And I’m so down, caught in the middle
I’ve excused you for a while
While I’m wide-eyed
And I’m so damn caught in the middle
And a lion, a lion roars would you not listen?
If a child, a child cries would you not forgive them?
Yeah, I might seem so strong
Yeah, I might speak so long
I’ve never been so wrong”
“It’s not a silly little moment,
It’s not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we’ve been working on.
Can’t seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody’s gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.”
“It isn’t very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn’t take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It’s gonna take time
But you’ll just have to wait
You’re gonna be fine
But in the meantime
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you’ll heal over
Heal over someday”
“If I could say anything, anything what would it be?
A good question for our destined reality
I would tell you that I love you
Even when it didn’t show.
I would tell you that I love you, baby,
By now I hope you know.
If you could go anywhere, anywhere what would you see?
Take a step in any direction, it’s make believe
If your mind is always moving
It’s hard to get your heart up off the ground
Yeah, your mind was always moving
But your thoughts never made a sound
And we won’t break if we let go.
You and I already know
We were bound to be set free eventually.
So, here we are now
You can say anything”