I have been working a lot lately. And not sleeping much. Which means that I kind of crash when I get home and have to retrain myself to get back to a normal sleep schedule. I think it will improve when I get a real vacation. Luckily, that is not too far away. And the weather has been pretty nice which also helps. I still get terrible headaches now and then, probably stress-related. But, again, I think that is really because I haven’t had a break in awhile.
I have been planning a road trip in July that will cheer me up (details soon). I have been doing a lot of wake up, go to work, come home, wash, repeat. To the point where I don’t know what day it is most of the time and the whole week just blurs together. I even wake up and get ready on the weekend without realizing it until I glance at the calendar. Which means I definitely need to get away and reboot.
Teaching at USM has been fun. I have been able to reconnect with a friend at work, which is refreshing. But I have been dealing with my own things lately, so not as much going out with friends and such. I feel weird and empty some days, like I used to in some of my darker days. And with friends being more busy with their own houses/families/kids, etc makes me want to get in a car and drive. It’s hard for me to sit through painfully dull conversations about landscaping and mulch and cervical mucous and baby spit up. Nothing against those things, but it isn’t my favorite stuff to talk about. I have a pretty small support system here in Maine and not an enormous one back home either outside of my folks and a few good friends in Atlanta. It’s made my wanderlust skyrocket.
My choice is to make new friends or do something different or become a true hermit. Ironically, I think some of the hermiting is just how I cope with things when I’m too tired or down to expend energy meeting new people. Feeling pretty awful the past couple of weeks from endo hasn’t helped. I know it will pass. I need some more sunshine, both emotionally and physically. Normand is great to cheer me and take me on walks. And I got invited to help out at a festival in a week or two.
“You were my courage
My sword and shield
Grace under pressure
My wall of steel
Baby I’m in love with you
Oh, and I’m missing the sound of your heart beating
Baby you were mine to lose
Oh, and I’m missing the sound of your heart beating “
“In a sick way I want to thank you
For holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself,
You were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions
On things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself
When it was way too hard to take”
“I’m up here
I’m looking at the way down there
I’m staring through the I don’t care
It’s staring back at me
The beauty is
I’m learning how to face my beast
Starting now to find some peace
Set myself free
I don’t have to fall apart
I don’t have to be afraid
I don’t have to let the damage
My shadow see through me”